Tuesday, May 2, 2017

when it's mental



my heart slowly begins to race as the trail steepens. i attempt to maintain control but it bursts outside of my chest, past its allowed rate. my breathing quickens and my pores begin to perspire. there's an ounce of darkness that lingers over my thoughts and thighs, over my weak quads and smaller calves. the darkness lingers longer but then evaporates as the sun begins to set. my body becomes familiar with the dirt underneath my feet and my heart stabilizes. my breathing deepens and i begin to exhale gratitude. my body has carried me before, and it will carry me again.

Monday, April 24, 2017

inside

my mind has been my worst enemy for as long as i can remember; darkness lives within, and it always will. there will always be a battle between continuously spiraling downward into a pit of despair, and climbing steep switchbacks. every single day is a fight for clarity.

the only things that have ever saved me have been writing and running. at some point you have to stop trying to slay your demons and instead understand them, stay a step ahead of them. i can't run from them, but instead run towards them.

Monday, April 17, 2017

growing pains


i was twelve.

i'd wait for my mother after school and just stare down at my feet; both chucks with holes in them, soles about to fall off. my father would calculate our commute in the mornings as to use the least amount of gas. he too stared down at my feet and i could sense some fraction of shame, maybe disappointment. i didn't ask for new shoes that year, as i'd done the year before. i never brought up my wet feet or aching heels. i let those shoes deteriorate and fall apart, like the broken mirrors at home.

Monday, April 10, 2017

punctures


i can feel his breath on my neck while i lay there. he's biting his lip and holding a steady gaze as he concentrates on my skin. i turn to his hands as he steadily moves them ever so slightly. my skin is numb and my hands are starting to get cold yet my mind feels like it's floating. i notice a very slight tingling sensation as this goes on for a couple hours. he begins to wipe away some ink and even a little bit of blood, giving the needles some rest. his art, now permanently on my skin.

Friday, April 7, 2017

norte

they were kids when they met. he promised her a better life on the other side and the chance to make all of her dreams come true. he promised her love, children, and a home.

on the other side, they found 16 hour work days and a sun so strong that for the first year, she was always light headed. they ended up on fields that never ended and daily he would tell her that their better lives were just past that horizon; a horizon that was always too far away.

looking back, who knows if it was all better.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

la luna

la luna le borró el nombre a tu querido aficionado debajo de sus suspiros. todo mientras el viento te distrajo. otra entrada mas en el diario de marisol. otro libro en la enciclopedia del corazón. la luna se burla de ti mientras se esconde por la noche, mientras te expulsa tus malditas inmundicias y te enseña a ti misma. la luna te entrega un espejo en el que vez a tu propia madre. incluso, te fijaste no en lo que pudo estar frente a ti sino lo que pudo ver sido una ilusión. tu linda luna te mata por dentro.

Monday, March 13, 2017

drifted

she knows, you have to know that. 
you must feel it in your bones and on your skin. 
you must sense it in her posture,
and in her eyes that weren't always as deep as they were today. 
you must feel the coldness of her skin that only gets colder at night, 
till she shakes and wakes you in your sleep. 
there's very little you can do to soothe her. 


now, you can live with the silence between two bodies, 
or you can let it go. 
so far away that it no longer feels like distance, 
but instead... non existence.